Granny

Granny was asked if she prefers ham or d***.
-Oh, dear, my teeth are not for ham anymore!

Friendship

-My dear friend...
-No, I don't have, won't, can't, donno...

Questions-married guys..

-What's worse: go out and look at who you can't f***, or stay at home and f*** who you can't look at???

Hm....

-Mom, may I wear a skirt?
-No.
-May I  put on some make-up?
-No.
-And what about high-heels?
-No.
-But, mom, I'm 18!
-I know, Daniel, I know...

More jokes-hope you will like and share

1.      When joining the UN, every country has a chair, but a Montenegrin who requires a bed!

2.      Montenegrin and his wife Bosnian

Montenegrin coming home tired of resting out in shade:

-If I had Montenegrin wife, she’d take off my shoes now.

So his Bosnian wife did so.

-If I had Montenegrin wife, she’d take off my coat now.

So his Bosnian wife did so.

-If I had Montenegrin wife, she’d take off my trousers and socks now.

So his Bosnian wife did so.

-If I had Montenegrin wife, she’d wash my feet now.

-OH, YEAH? AND IF MY HUSBAND WAS BOSNIAN, HE’D FUCK US BOTH BY NOW!!!!

3.      Montenegrin was in Belgrade on business, had a coffee in a place and got a small plastic stick with the coffee.

 -Strange thing.-he taught.

Looked at it trying to figure out what it might be and what do they use it for…. In the end he took it with him to Montenegro.

-Do you know what this might be?-he asked his experienced boss.

The boss looked at the thing…

-Aww, poor you! Destroy it! Destroy it now! It’s a shovel seed!!!

4.      Montenegrin in a café: sits slowly on a chair “being so important”. Waitress, a beautiful girl approaches to take his order.

Montenegrin: Bring me a coffee as strong as I am, and as sweet as you are.

The girl comes back with a cup of coffee.

-Hey, girl! Don’t you think you overestimated yourself?!

5.      A Montenegrin’s son moved to Belgrade for studies. Two months later his father gives him a call:

-Heey, my dearest son, my hero! How are you? How is there? Do you need something?

-I am fine, dad. All is fine but one thing…

-What is it, my pride???

-You know, I’m a bit ashamed…

-Tell me already!

-Well I’m ashamed, it’s so embarrassing… You know, all my friends come for lectures by tram, and only I drive myself in my Mercedes.

-Ah! Why didn’t you say! Shame though! I’m sending you money tomorrow, buy yourself a tram!

Jokes on Montenegrins

1.      Montenegrin entering a cafe, sees a beautiful girl, approaches, and asks:
-What ya drink?

-Coca cola.

-Then where is it on your table???

2.      Do you know how do they build motorways in Montenegro? NO?!

-They build one kilometer and then just end it with a sign “ETC.”!

3.      Montenegrin couple making love. She, all messed up in excitement moans:

-Tell me something dirty!

-Your kitchen is dirty, your bathroom is dirty, and seems you haven’t had a bath for a week!

4.      Do you know the name of that movie where Montenegrin works and studies???

-Science fiction!

5.      A man is screaming out of the sea: -Help! –Help!

A group of Montenegrins standing on the beach:

-See, that man is drowning.

-Yeah, drowning for sure.

-And we’re standing here.

-Yeah, standing.

-Then why don’t we sit!

6.      Montenegrin and Japanese floating in a boat, enjoying it, but in one moment the hit a ridge.

-Oh, crap, what shall we do?-cried out Japanese and jumped into the water.

-Oh, shit, look at him, he would always do something!

7.      Montenegrin saw a man walking his snail.

-Oh, what a nice snail you have! I had one, but it run away from me!

8.      Montenegrin yelling calling his wife:

-Skvoooo, skvoooo!

-What is it already?

-Draw me chess table on my back!

-Why is that?

-Just draw it!

And she did..

-There it is.

-Ok. Now scratch my B4!

9.      Ten Montenegrins’ commandments:

1.      A man was born tired, and lives to rest.

2.      Kiss your bed like you kiss yourself.

3.      Rest at day that you can sleep at night.

4.      Do not work-working kills.

5.      If you see somebody resting-do help.

6.      Work less than you can, and the much you can, pass to somebody else.

7.      The salvation is in tree shades-nobody has ever died of resting.

8.      Working brings illness, do not die young.

9.      If you ever feel an urge to work: sit and wait, you will see it will pass.

10.  When see people eating and drinking-approach and help, when see them working-move away to give them space.

Introduction

Former Yugoslavia is mostly known for the war in late '90's, but not many people abroad have ever heard about our humor and jokes. So, here I am to introduce some of our best jokes. Before I start I have to warn you that many of them might sound offensive or discriminating, but here we don't mind-those are only jokes.

Former Yugoslavia was Federation of six Republics: Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Serbia, Montenegro and Macedonia. Many people say that best jokes come from Serbia, others love Bosnian jokes, but you decide for yourself. One more information you will need to understand the point in most jokes: MONTENEGRAN are said to be LAZY, SERBIAN are great LOVERS, SLOVENIAN extremely INTELLIGENT AND SOPHISTICATED, BOSNIAN STUPID, and that is what jokes are about.

Note: the following jokes are only inteneded to make people laugh, but not in any way to offend anybody.